The “Buck Moon” Supermoon Sans Cape

Tonight is a full moon. Called the Buck Moon, it’s not simply a full moon but also a supermoon (alas, no cape), meaning it will be a bit more intense than a typical full moon because it will be closer to Earth and appear brighter and bigger. Fun fact, the technical term is called “perigee,” which I kind of love.

Full moons typically deal with conclusions, completions, and endings, necessary ones, although necessity doesn’t mean they won’t hurt. It’s a time to clean house of things that aren’t working for you – with or without your permission. The supermoon takes it up a notch and also emphasizes your hidden emotions, ideas, and thoughts (forcing you to confront hidden agendas and bad habits) along with a heaping amount of extra energy to help you manage all of the actions you need to take and changes coming your way. And clarity. Lots and lots of clarity and answers.

Now that we’ve set the foundation with a refresher on what full moons and supermoons mean, let’s talk about this particular supermoon: the Buck Moon.

There’s an interesting tension to this supermoon because it’s Cancer season astrologically but the Buck Moon is occurring in Capricorn. Cancer is about the home, love, private life, nurturance and emotion. It’s a murky, sensitive water sign. Capricorn is an earth sign, extremely focused, hard working, the public life, career, goals, responsibility and accountability.

Sounds like an epic clash could be underway, right? Well, “more things in heaven and earth, Horatio” holds true here. Cancer, with its inward focus, represents the origin – possibly even unconditional love – while Capricorn, with its outward focus, represents the goal – perhaps conditional love in a way. And you must have both and not neglect either area. To do so will make you unbalanced and result in unbalanced energies.

This supermoon invites us to think about our commitment to our public and private lives, career and families and seriously ponder if there is an imbalance and how we can restore balance. All that increased focus on hidden things will help bring truths and imbalances to light and the extra energy and clarity will help us fix it. And in many ways, this introspection is non negotiable. It will come out. It will be released, whether or not we want it to be. So the solution is to take a deep breath and prepare for some deep soul searching. Prepare also for emotions to be released, and they may not be pretty or refined but inchoate.

As the Buck Moon rises today and its influence continues to be felt over the next two weeks, admire its beauty and transformative power and as Madonna said, “Express Yourself.” The cosmos demands it.

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I learned a lot while putting together information about today’s Supermoon. It’s been an emotional few days, and I can feel the tension and imbalance in my own life. And those who have been on the receiving end of them could definitely vouch for how rough and inchoate my feelings are. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and I still have much more to think about. In some ways, it helps knowing that it’s all going to bubble up and out regardless of whether I want it to or not. I never want to make excuses for my behavior or feelings, but the message of the Buck Moon Supermoon resonates with me.

May it help us all to find the critical balance we need and require (there is a Force joke that practically begs to be made, but I’ll refrain)

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Shake it Out

Well, here we are. The last week of October. I thought I’d be OK. In control. But I’m not as much as I’d like to be. I thought it was Mercury Retrograde weighing on me because I really felt it. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Pulled, contorted, strained, weighed down. But here we are. My own personal D-Day. I can feel my anxiety rising daily. I’m struggling just to keep it together when what I really want to do is burrow under the covers and stay there. House a mess? Check. No cooking? Check. Clothes unfolded? Check. Child late to school? Check. Oversleeping? Check. Irritation? Check. Sensitive? Check. Crying? Check.

And my thoughts are so jumbled and muddled. My therapist told me a few weeks ago that I intellectualize emotions and feelings instead of letting myself experience them. I try to explain what I am feeling instead of letting myself indulge in them. But I do feel them; I find it difficult let myself to be an emotional person. To be seen as someone who has feelings.

You know who I envy? People who don’t give a fuck what other people think. I’ve always cared too much. It has improved, but I still care too much. I had a conversation on Friday night about my feelings, and I’m not completely certain it went well (not the fault of the conversation, but talking about feelings can be difficult). But I know that I cried – like ugly cried – afterwards. The kind of crying that left my eyes extra puffy Saturday and experiencing an emotional hangover.

We all have history and formative experiences and god knows I have thought a lot about mine. Probably too much. Analysis is my forte. Feeling is not. I’m not going to subject any of you to my TED Talk on why I am this way. I guess I should get to the point. I think my thoughts are jumbled around vulnerability and shame (yes, yes, off to read Brene Brown). After that conversation on Friday – or frankly, any conversation in which I let loose like that – my first reaction is embarrassment. I’ve revealed too much of myself. All the ugly parts. The parts that indicate that no, I very much do not have my shit together. You know, the parts that reveal me as a flesh and blood human who is not perfect. And the fear about whether people will still like me or respect me if I reveal that I do have feelings. But I AM human! I DO have feelings! Why is vulnerability such a difficult state for us to occupy? How did we get here?

I think of this verse Rizzo sings in “There are Worse Things I Could Do” from Grease:

I could hurt someone like me
Out of spite or jealousy
I don’t steal and I don’t lie
But I can feel and I can cry
A fact I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing I could do

And to finally, finally get to the point. I have a lot of thoughts about this week. Can I express those emotions? Should I express those emotions? Can I be that vulnerable? Is it allowed? And yes, I know it is technically. But am I allowed to feel and express these things truly? Or should I keep a stiff upper lip? What is the statute of limitations on grieving in our society these days?

It is funny to be writing this after last week’s somewhat “rah rah” “Entropy” post. Well. I feel what I feel when I feel it. THAT I have definitely learned in the last year. And I grapple with that dichotomy. I have good days and bad days. Last week was not a great week, and I have a feeling that this week may not be either. And I have to be OK with that. I have to accept that and understand that. More importantly, I have to give myself permission to feel. To let those emotions flow through.

This week is worthy of my feelings. If I feel dread, uneasiness, and anxiety every day, it’s OK. If I need to take a day and just be, that’s OK. From what I have seen, there is no manual for any of this (but if there is other than Kubler-Ross, message me?).

I’ll do what I need to get through it. Cry when I need to. And then “Shake it out” as Florence + the Machine recommend and prepare for Halloween. I have three pumpkins to gut (ugh) and carve (good luck?) and a child to make happy.

One step backwards. One step forwards. Every day.

It’s always darkest before the dawn.