This week has not been a great week. I know you’re probably thinking, “didn’t she write that last week? And the week before that? And the week before that?” I guess it’s true. It’s been a rocky, rough time at work and when it’s the place you spend 40+ hours a week at, it impacts you.
I’ve been struggling how to write this post because I need to write it. It’s been on my mind for a week, but I’ve had so many emotions over the last week that I haven’t been sure how to write about it without possibly shooting myself in the foot or being premature.
First of all, I still have a job. Yay! Given that, what do I really have to complain about? A week ago, I was asked to take a new position in the org. It’s a market research position and honestly, it was what I asked for. A couple of weeks ago, my former interim supervisor (did you follow that?) asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him: data, information. I want to do market research and disseminate information to help us make data-driven decisions. Well, it turns out that leadership took me at my word and gave me exactly what I asked for.
So the question becomes why I am not more enthusiastic since I got exactly what I wanted. It’s been a difficult transition. I’m losing an occupational and organizational identity I’ve held as a web developer for 13 years. I’m losing part of my team and retaining only one direct report which makes me feel a little ridiculous. I watched a coworker who I helped hire become manager of the team I was formerly a part of. I now report to a coworker I also helped hire.
I’m also formally untied from people with whom I’ve been structured organizationally since 2005. I tell people that we were a family. It’s true. It’s the best group of people with whom I’ve ever worked. We worked well together but also cared about each other. It’s a huge shock. I think I’m also reeling from the major amount of change lately. In addition to my manager and my coworker, I had a team member retire, another team member leaving for her dream job in Miami, and my most recent hire moved to another team in the re-org. I truly feel like a bomb went off and left destruction in its wake. Some of those people I’d worked closely with for over 10 years, and in 4 weeks, everything has changed.
I’ve cried a lot the past week and been in a definite funk. I went from feeling like a future leader in the organization to a failure. Because that’s what part of me whispers: you failed. You didn’t do a good enough job. That’s why they were so quick to remove the web duties from you and give you market research. And not to consider you for leadership of your former group. You failed. And I can’t stand that feeling. And of course, these changes haven’t executed delicately, so my feelings get hurt and umbrage taken regularly. I feel awkward talking to coworkers with whom I used to be close and being overly formal: “if you don’t mind, I could talk to…”
I’m trying to take a deep breath and calm down. Trying to take each day as it comes even though I feel so blue and wonder about my place and the perception of me. And then I wonder if a man would worry about this and feel like I’m letting Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer down in my reaction to this situation and my inability to leverage it to advance.
All this sturm and drang and remember, I actually got what I asked for which should make me feel a little bit good, right? I guess that what I’ve discovered is that sometimes, getting what you want doesn’t feel as good as it should.
Since I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, I’ve had a lot of chances to find some good reads. If you have a moment:
- Google appears hell-bent on destroying any social capital it had with its users. There are reports that its News Alerts haven’t been working well for a few months (something I’ve noticed as well). In related news, Google debuted Keep, but users are reluctant to adopt based on its capricious decisions on what apps stay and what apps go
- My county library published a review on a Jane Austen book that sounds great: What Matters in Jane Austen: 20 Crucial Problems Solved.
- You probably heard about New York Magazine’s feature “The Retro Wife.” It was…interesting. Reductive yet informative. The Atlantic, my hero, has had several good articles on it like this one and especially this one
- My friend Brandy wrote a post in early March about food, research, and what her family is doing to avoid harmful foods. I feel I need to qualify this by saying that I am not a crunchy, earthy person usually (not that I’m saying that’s a bad thing or that Brandy is!), but I feel very strongly about making sure Daniel eats as much natural food as possible. Am I perfect? No. We’re a work in progress, but Brandy’s post is definitely thought-provoking. I have a major urge to buy a cow and chickens and plant a serious garden. See, I told you my survivalist tendencies weren’t far below the surface!
- And Buzzfeed. Buzzfeed has brought me so much laughter lately. Please visit and enjoy. The had a post on the end of Mercury Retrograde that was very appropriate as well as one on almost 40 people who need to stop using the Internet that had me in tears from laughing so hard.
How was your week? Tell me something good!