stream of consciousness Sunday

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Tis the Season…for Guilt

#SOCsunday

Now that we gave Thanksgiving its obligatory 15 minutes of fame, it’s time to turn our attention to Christmas.  We put up our tree today – it’s artificial (not my first choice but it’s grown on me over the years and is a pretty nice tree), and if we’re really lazy, it might stay up through Epiphany or Mardi Gras.  Probably not through Easter (I have family that did that one year.  I come from class).

Daniel is too little to help hang ornaments, but he watched us, and he was SO excited by the tree.  At 2.5, this is the first Christmas he really sort of understands that something big is happening.  Right now he loves the lights, but I’m sure he’ll want to touch the ornaments soon.  We showed him the special ornaments and told him the meaning behind them: the ornaments from our 2004 trip to Paris; the tiny stocking I bought at Biltmore House the December before he was born; all the other ornaments from various other annual trips to Biltmore House; the ornaments from the year he was born; and many others.   He loves the “Kiss-miss tee.”

This year we are spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just the three of us.  I’m feeling conflicted about it because that’s what I do, but at the same time I’m wondering at what age am I finally allowed to be an adult and dictate how my family spends Christmas?  The answer, of course, is now.  10 years ago.  5 years ago.  I’m an adult.  My little family of three is allowed – nay, required- to build its own traditions.

Lately, the holidays bring out some seriously bad feelings.  Obligation warring with Self-Preservation.  Farce and Charade battling with my Motherly Fierceness.  I’m tired of providing opportunities for interaction with my sweet boy when he is ultimately ignored, yet I’m accused of keeping him away and not allowing participation in our lives.

I want to be acknowledged as an adult who is entitled to make decisions for her family, not resented for daring to grow up and move away. That won’t happen, so I will take the role of the bad guy.    That is what my son, my family needs.

Happy Holidays.  This is only the first instance of guilt; I’m sure it won’t be the last.  But along with that guilt comes bitterness and anger and a growing awareness that things must change.

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Out With the Old

#SOCsunday

It’s interesting to me how what’s on my mind changes throughout the day.  If I had been able to type this post earlier, my post would have been decidedly different.

Today we are in major cleaning mode.  We’ve sort of been in that mode for the last few weeks, but now we’ve rented a dumpster and have committed to cleaning out that garage (again) finally as well as throwing away all the other crap we’ve accumulated.

In addition to the acknowledged junk, we also decided to get rid of our guest room furniture today.  That furniture used to be the furniture in my room growing up and was sort of heirloom furniture from my great-grandparents. I think.  And it was falling apart.  The bed was an extra-long full, making buying sheets and comforters difficult.  The bed squeaked like crazy due to its box spring that was older than our parents.  The dresser had seen better days thanks to a mirror that was decidedly foggy and a drawers that didn’t open without great difficulty anymore.  Our hope is to get new furniture for our guest room.

Though I completely supported our decision to get rid of the furniture, I had a moment in which I felt sad as if I were turning my back on my father’s side of the family (from which the furniture came).  But I think my father would support my decision.  It’s just furniture after all and frankly, sometimes, it’s nice NOT to have everything in your house connecting you to generations that came before just because.  It’s nice to chart your own course and do your own thing, and honestly, the furniture was worn and unattractive.

Hopefully I won’t be haunted by great-grandparents gone before….

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump at All.Things.Fadra

SOC Sunday: Foggy With a Chance of…a Nap?

#SOCsundayI’m attempting to join all.things.fadra’s Stream of Consciousness Sunday for the first time.  I’ve followed her on Twitter for a while and read many editions of SOC Sunday but never had a chance to participate before.  Now I do, but it’s not going exactly as I intended.

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I thought I was going to write about how I was thinking about doing the right thing vs. not due to a situation I find myself in.  Nothing illegal or unethical…just a request I received and how to handle it.  Part of me feels compelled to fulfill the request even though I know it will end badly and frustrate me while another part feels like I should accept reality and refuse to fulfill the request because while it may cause the requestor some pain, it will prevent a lot of nightmares and irritation in the long run.

But instead I woke up with a tickle in my throat, a cough and a slight headache.  Joy.  I have the slight “something” Daniel has had all week.  I promptly took a Mucinex and an Alka Setzer cold & sinus and as the morning went on, I found my head inflating to about 4 times its normal size.  Obviously not really, but I’m suffering from a definite lack of energy and a crippling case of medicine head that has sapped my ability to do much of anything.

Instead of enjoying this beautiful fall day, I’m contemplating a nap.  Why not?  Daniel is napping.  I need the energy a nap might give me in order to make it through the night. And even worse than medicine head is the knowledge that my medicine is wearing off and we don’t have anymore.   I hope I feel better tomorrow because I don’t want to take a sick day when there is so much to do. You know what they say about the best laid plans…

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Nothing profound here.  Move along.