october

Apparently Fridays Can Suck Too

It’s possible I might be in an especially raw phase. I cried at least 5 times this week. I just finished crying in fact. And I might cry more. The jury is out although it would be nice if they would give me a heads up.

I blame Mercury Retrograde. Yes. We are in that lovely period in which Mercury likes to fuck with us. I have an entire post planned on it if I can get past this week because I have a lot of Mercury in my natal chart, so I am essentially fucked.

I hope you don’t mind expletives. I am quite fluent with them these days. I always liked them and used them before, but now, it’s like my native tongue. Makes me think of when I returned home from college the first few times. My aunts and my mom looked at each other knowingly as the expletives rolled off my tongue. A look I learned to decipher as, “oh, so cute! College girl thinks she has grown up!”

I don’t like to feel that anything is overwhelming for me. At all. But I’m also human and apparently have pesky things called feelings, and they can be hurt and trampled on too. That really destroys my vibe as someone who is above that sort of thing, but here we are.

And 12-year-olds are especially good…exquisitely good…at picking out your weaknesses and trampling all over them gleefully.

He’s apologized. I’m sulking and trying not to cry again. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s all fine. I am both 15 and 44 and that’s a weird place to be.

It’s just…one minute you are going along thinking – not that you have it together – fuck no. Never that. But that you are managing things. You are getting by (that is a bar set very low). And then, something emotionally sideswipes you and you realize you have nothing together, your life is shit, and it’s like a bucket of ice-cold water has been dropped over your head. Everything you believed is a joke. You know shit. This week has been an entire week of this. And believe me, my expectations are very low. And somehow that hurts even more.

And when you try so hard to look like you have it together, that you are keeping everything together, it’s like an extra low blow. Especially when you are trying to look towards the future and try to make plans – you know “be optimistic”: the universe guffaws (maybe in a nicotine-deadened croaky voice), “ha ha ha. Why did you ever think you could do anything like that? Achieve anything like that? You are FUCKED!”

Like I said. Expletives are my lingua franca these days.

Just think of me as a crab: hard exoskeleton, soft underbelly. That’s what I feel like.

***

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Today is Manufacturing Day. I’ve posted about this day for many years, but please think of the manufacturers in your area and thank them, support them, vote for legislation friendly to them. Manufacturing is so important to our economy and, frankly, fascinating! Someone said on a call today, “manufacturing has changed!” And that is so true. It is very different than what it used to be, and I want us to get to a point where we can visit plants again (damn COVID) so people can see what it is like now. I could think of a zillion types of tours to plan to showcase the various products made in NC, and I know my colleagues across the nation could do the same. I love Manufacturing Day. It inspires me, and I love trying to figure out best how to highlight what all we make. And the truth is that if we as a nation no longer make things, we are doomed. If I, a prissy English major who had never been exposed to manufacturing prior to 2000, can find it fascinating, I guarantee that you can too.

***

And welcome October. It’s time to get out my Halloween villages and set up a few things. I love October. I love the leaves changing. I love knowing we are getting to the end of the year and the shortest day of the year. It appeals to something primal in me. I have 20 pairs of Halloween socks. I love it. Today, October 1, also marks the 11th month since Jimmy died. I am stunned it is month 11 already.

Life and feelings ebb and flow. Flow and ebb. Emotions come and go. Go and come. You do your best. It’s all you can do.

And, well, fuck it, right? You knew I couldn’t end without an expletive 🙂

Blather On (Kind of like Ramble On without the LOTR References)

In which I blather or babble or talk about nothing at all (much like Seinfeld.  A high school classmate once told me that I reminded him of the characters on that show, and at first I was flattered (since at the time it was a huge hit and considered a cultural touchstone and funny) but later I wondered if it were actually an insult since the characters are quite shallow and narcissistic.

  • Life has been a little out of control lately, one of those times in which thing after thing goes wrong and you begin to wonder what deity you offended and ponder researching karma cleansing.  We went to Asheville for our honeymoon in December 2001, and on our way to Chimney Rock, we passed a small house (more of a shack really) that advertised tarot readings and roadside colonics.  I wonder if that place is still there?
  • I’ve been trying to write a post for over a week, but the spirit does not move and I wonder if I will ever complete it or if it will remain forever in purgatory.  And if I do finish it, will it be worth reading or will it be a piece of pretentious crap?  You all don’t want to read yet another post inspired by Breaking Bad, do you?
  • I’ve been in class since Monday, and it’s been frustrating and I’ve been taking out my frustration on Twitter.  It’s a market intelligence class focused around teaching us how to perform that service for clients.  In theory, I’m hot and bothered to do that.  I’ve wanted to do more market research for years and thoroughly enjoyed my research classes.  I’m hoping to become a practitioner for work.  In reality, the class is excruciating.  I could teach this class.  Hell, my cats could teach this class.  The class does not need to be 3 days, and we are learning cutting-edge topics like how to use Wikipedia as a “smart pill;” how to conduct an interview; the pros and cons of contacting people via email or phone.  And the instructors read the slides.  If you have been following my tweets about the class, thank you for indulging me.
  • I’ve been reading Gone Girl  since Sunday. By the time I post this, I might have finished it (was able to sneak in a few chapters during class; multi-tasking you know!).  What a bizarre book about two people who are almost completely unlikeable and therefore well-suited to each other.
  • It’s October.  I love October.  Fall energizes me, and I can almost feel the energy pulsing through my veins.  The downside is that the year picks up speed as we approach the end of the year, and there is not enough time to do anything.  I bought mums in September that are still not planted and living in containers on my porch.  I need to find a Halloween costume for Daniel.  I need to get out my Halloween village.  It’s only October 3, but I already feel behind.  I did swap out some of Daniel’s books for books on Autumn and Halloween.  That may be as good as it gets this year.  Oh, in case you missed it, Dresden coined the phrase “Tree Porn,” and that’s porn we can all love.
  • Lightning took out our coffee maker and cable box on Saturday.  Our kitchen is now filled with the sounds of non-stop Thomas DVDs and a jittery lack of caffeine.  Farewell, unwatched recorded episodes of Through the Wormhole.  Adieu, Tuesday night Chopped marathons. On the other hand, no more Guy Fieri and Diners, Drive-ins and Dives!
  • I was mortified to discover that I have been using “utilize” incorrectly. However, I wonder if it is correct in this context: I utilized “utilize” in a sentence to have some meta grammar fun. No?
  • We took Daniel to a Day Out with Thomas two weeks ago, and we had a great time.  It was a much better experience than last year because a) he was a year older and b) it wasn’t raining.  He loved riding on two trains, including a beloved caboose.  It was little boy heaven.
  • I tweeted and posted to FB this amazing article about infertility, but if you haven’t read it, please do.

OK.  I’ve wasted enough of  your time with this blather.  Here are a few pics from a Day Out with Thomas:

Daddy and Daniel

 

Mommy and Daniel on the caboose

 

Tell me something good or odd in your world right now!