confidence

Being Enough

We had our first read-through for our Listen to Your Mother show yesterday.  First of all…it is going to ROCK!  We have a wider variety of posts this year thanks to word of mouth, and the show, well, I like to think of it as a diamond with many facets (look at me getting fancy).  Sooo many perspectives of motherhood represented.  I am SO excited about it and love the ladies participating.

Anyway, yesterday a few people mentioned to me that they didn’t know how I did it, managing a full-time job, parenting and Listen to Your Mother. I gave some answer about it being my hobby.

Well, LTYM is a hobby, but the truth is that I don’t feel like a very useful co-producer.  Liisa and Marty are able to handle cast communications and getting sponsors and press. I send a few emails to potential sponsors (who never reply because these are the equivalent of cold calls), handle the web stuff and attend auditions and rehearsals, but the truth is that I feel like dead weight.  I feel like there should be an asterisk by my name as in “sort of” a producer.

And if I’m being truthful, that’s the way I feel about everything. Am I a good employee? wife? parent? My answer would be that I’m fair to middling. I don’t feel like I excel at any of it. Not in the way I’d like to anyway.

The truth is that I don’t know if I have a realistic comprehension of what competence in any of those roles would look like.  Does anyone? Maybe that’s the problem. We have way too many ideals and not enough reality. I know I would welcome a reality check right now.

How do you ever feel like you are doing enough, being enough, simply enough instead of what you think you ought to be or should be?

I’m 36 years old. Shouldn’t I have the answer to those questions by now?

Doubt

I have an acquaintance who bugs me because she is so confident.  She is confident in her parenting abilities. She is confident in her appearance.  She is confident in her work abilities.  I’ve been thinking about why I am so bothered by her.  Part of me thinks it is outright envy.  After all, who among us hasn’t longed to be balls out about some topic in which we feel expert.  Or even not expert just confident that we are awesome?  Am I bothered by her because I feel held back from expressing the abilities I have and the subjects in which I feel strong?  Maybe I long to declare, “Boom.  I am expert.  Hear me roar.”

Maybe.  The old-fashioned Southerner in me finds something distasteful in her proclamations of awesomeness.  Modesty for modesty’s sake is irritating, but it is more irritating to find such self-confidence pushed in your face.  It seems unseemly.

I don’t know this woman well.  Maybe her confidence is just a well-cultivated exoskeleton designed to protect her from the cruel world.  Or maybe she really does have that much confidence.  She is younger.  I’m not saying that means she has experienced less but that she is of a different mindset.

When it comes to parenting, I feel like I am constantly learning.  I feel like my child changes on a daily or even hourly basis and I still marvel that we haven’t messed him up.   I’ve felt like an imposter lately when it comes to parenting and maybe that’s what I am responding to when I roll my eyes at this acquaintance.

I know a lot about various & sundry, mostly useless, things but my child remains as much of a mystery at 2.5 years as he did at 2.5 hours old.  I think that maybe my temperament is different from my acquaintance’s.  After initially seeing situations in black and white, I eventually started to see shades of gray and nuance.  I don’t claim to have all the answers, and I realize that there are many answers to a single question.

I’ve learned that often there is no one right answer or one book that contains all the right answers.  Sometimes math doesn’t add up when it comes to people. Deserving people constantly experience negative situations daily while undeserving ones profit.

So one the one hand, I envy my acquaintance’s confidence in her abilities and plans.  I’d like to feel that way but I am destined to question, always question.  While I’m questioning, I’ll enjoy cultivating Daniel’s love for the outdoors.

 

Fun outside!

 

How do you see yourself?  Are you confident or full of doubt?