Entropy

I’m not going to deny that the last few years were…not ideal. I feel like everything around me is falling apart both literally and metaphorically. I no sooner fix one issue with my house than another arises. Fucking whack-a-mole. Mondays suck because three jobs. Behavior…yeah. Mercury Retrograde. And I feel bad talking about it because it feels like all I do is talk about the bad stuff. Each week I say, “I’m tired of my own shit. I won’t inflict it on others.”

Entropy describes the last few years well. Things not getting done around the house. Easier to give into feelings and situations instead of trying to fix them. Entropy is fucking powerful, and it is easy to be dragged down by it.

I am usually a driven person. I do things. Sometimes I do too much. I was the definition of “work before play” and therefore, “play” typically never happened. And somewhere in the last few years, I lost that. It became easier to succumb and wallow. When you feel out of control, sometimes it is easier to give in and say, “why bother? No one else is.”

Well, now, I’m the only adult. I want to be better. To do better. My list is long. I want to reject entropy. I want to fortify myself against it. I CAN be better. And I know: I’ve been through a lot in the last year and should cut myself some slack or give myself some grace. But at some point, you have to stop making excuses and step up (woman up?). I need to be an example. I need to feel good.

“You’re turning into something you are not” – Radiohead “High and Dry”

Today we went to buy pumpkins. We bought a lot, and it was great. I also bought flowers to put in planters. I hadn’t done that in years. I love flowers. I don’t in any way claim to have a green thumb, but I love flowers. So I decided I would pot these flowers today. I did it. It felt SO good. It’s a small thing, but I felt like it was a tiny shield being erected against entropy.

One step at a time. One flower at a time.

6 comments

  1. This sums up the feel of our past two years as well, in different ways certainly, but such the same tenor. There’s been so much loss and grief and fear and pain alongside some of the small dots of good, that I have only just this week started to see and feel like reaching for positive things again even if my heart is still in a million pieces. Sending you a bit of our ray of light in hopes we can both step on more solid ground soon.

  2. Your therapist sounds wise. I think it’s OK to feel lots of different all things as humans, especially after a trauma. Sometimes we feel emotions, sometimes we struggle to feel emotions, and sometimes we feel like we can do lots of things. The key is to try to progress, and that means sometimes it’s a step back and sometimes it’s a step forward. FWIW from an internet friend, I think you’re doing amazing. 

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