Friends, the time is nigh. We have less than a month before Dec. 21 arrives and the world ends…how? In fire? In ice? Yes, I’m talking about the much-hyped Mayan apocalypse. The problem is that those wily Mayans didn’t give us any help in figuring out how the world would end. Their calendar simply ended and since they weren’t considerate enough to leave a Post-It for us, we don’t know if they ever got around to starting a new calendar (you know, environmental disasters, a collapsing civilization and being invaded tend to prevent mundane tasks like paying bills, making calendars etc) or how we should interpret the lack of a calendar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve read the theories that Dec. 21, 2012 means only the end of one cycle and beginning of the next, but aren’t conspiracy theories about impending cataclysms much more amusing?
Since we (possibly) have very little time left on this blue orb, it might be nice to come up with a list of things I want to do before we collectively shuffle off this mortal coil. I present to you my Mayan Apocalypse Bucket List:
- Win Powerball (current jackpot estimated at $500 million. That’s half a billion dollars!)
- Tell the annoying guy at work exactly what I think of him
- Disavow current atheism and frantically find religion
- Let Daniel dress in Thomas & Friends pajamas every day for the next month
- Let Daniel eat Bagel Bites and Kit Kats every day or until he gets tired of them, whichever comes first
- Buy Jimmy front-row tickets to the next scheduled Lady Gaga concert (I might need #1 first)
- Fly to Europe in first class
- Gorge on salt & vinegar potato chips (who cares about weight when the world is ending!)
- Get a 4th cat
- Hire a housekeeper to clean up after 4 cats
- Get the really expensive pedicure that involves hot lava stones, cabana boys and champagne
- Finish the 50 Shades of Gray trilogy (just kidding)
- Quit work and write Trixie Belden fan fiction full time. Jim & Trixie 4Eva!
- Tell Gwyneth Paltrow how insufferable I find her
- Download all the books I want to my iPad just in case the world doesn’t end immediately and we have some time to kill
- Vodka. Or wine. Or both. I know…champagne!
- Call up former friends and tell them what spineless pieces of crap they are
- Prepare time capsule for discovery by aliens or future races. Time capsule contains a Blackberry, Twilight saga, a can of Red Bull and a ColdPlay CD. Giggle at thought of aliens’ befuddlement.
- Go to the beach one last time and hope it won’t be like that scene in Deep Impact with Tea Leoni and her father on the beach. I’m afraid of tidal waves.
- Hugs. Hugs to everyone but especially my guys.
What is on your Mayan Apocalypse Bucket List?