Mayan Apocalypse Bucket List

someecards.com - I wonder if the Mayans predicted the end of their civilization as accurately as they are predicting the end of the world

Friends, the time is nigh.  We have less than a month before Dec. 21 arrives and the world ends…how?  In fire? In ice?  Yes, I’m talking about the much-hyped Mayan apocalypse.  The problem is that those wily Mayans didn’t give us any help in figuring out how the world would end.  Their calendar simply ended and since they weren’t considerate enough to leave a Post-It for us, we don’t know if they ever got around to starting a new calendar (you know, environmental disasters, a collapsing civilization and being invaded tend to prevent mundane tasks like paying bills, making calendars etc) or how we should interpret the lack of a calendar.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I’ve read the theories that Dec. 21, 2012 means only the end of one cycle and beginning of the next, but aren’t conspiracy theories about impending cataclysms much more amusing?

Since we (possibly) have very little time left on this blue orb, it might be nice to come up with a list of things I want to do before we collectively shuffle off this mortal coil.  I present to you my Mayan Apocalypse Bucket List:

  1. Win Powerball (current jackpot estimated at $500 million.  That’s half a billion dollars!)
  2. Tell the annoying guy at work exactly what I think of him
  3. Disavow current atheism and frantically find religion
  4. Let Daniel dress in Thomas & Friends pajamas every day for the next month
  5. Let Daniel eat Bagel Bites and Kit Kats every day or until he gets tired of them, whichever comes first
  6. Buy Jimmy front-row tickets to the next scheduled Lady Gaga concert (I might need #1 first)
  7. Fly to Europe in first class
  8. Gorge on salt & vinegar potato chips (who cares about weight when the world is ending!)
  9. Get a 4th cat
  10. Hire a housekeeper to clean up after 4 cats
  11. Get the really expensive pedicure that involves hot lava stones, cabana boys and champagne
  12. Finish the 50 Shades of Gray trilogy (just kidding)
  13. Quit work and write Trixie Belden fan fiction full time. Jim & Trixie 4Eva!
  14. Tell Gwyneth Paltrow how insufferable I find her
  15. Download all the books I want to my iPad just in case the world doesn’t end immediately and we have some time to kill
  16. Vodka.  Or wine.  Or both.  I know…champagne!
  17. Call up former friends and tell them what spineless pieces of crap they are
  18. Prepare time capsule for discovery by aliens or future races.  Time capsule contains a Blackberry, Twilight saga, a can of Red Bull and a ColdPlay CD. Giggle at thought of aliens’ befuddlement.
  19. Go to the beach one last time and hope it won’t be like that scene in Deep Impact with Tea Leoni and her father on the beach.  I’m afraid of tidal waves.
  20. Hugs.  Hugs to everyone but especially my guys.

What is on your Mayan Apocalypse Bucket List?

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9 comments

  1. OMG! This is the first time ever I have heard anyone mention Trixie Beldon!! I don’t think I need a bucket list now. I’m complete. Although I love the idea of flying to Europe first class because last time I was in the back next to the toilet. Of course, I would have to win the lottery to make it happen. Sigh. I guess I have a list again.

  2. I can’t tell you how perfect this post is to me. I find Gwyneth completely insufferable as well. Before this post, I really liked you. Now you’re in the love list.

    This makes me want to write my own list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Thank goodness I’m working from home because this actually made me laugh out loud. In fact, I may have snorted when I read #17.

    Can you imagine the weird religion aliens would make up after finding your time capsule? Awesome.

  4. HA! Fabulous. I just found a Trixie Belden the other way, and was immediately taken back. Er … too far back. 😉

    I wonder if maybe my daughter would eat more consistently if I offered her Bagel Bites? Hmmm, it’s worth a shot. 😉

  5. Trixie Belden! I haven’t thought about her in years! Love, love, love. And I can’t get over how many kindred spirits I have apparently found. Night made. Thank you.

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