On Wednesday, January 14 we reached 20 weeks gestation. We are halfway there! Now, the OB has given us a later due date of June 8, so according to them, we won’t be 20 weeks until tomorrow, but that’s ok. I’m going by the earlier date b/c that’s what a number of IVF calculators use, and it never hurts to be over prepared. Anyway, the point is that we are halfway there.I can’t believe we are halfway through the pregnancy already. And when you say that we have 20 weeks left, it seems so much closer than almost 5 months left.
J and I have had quite a shift in our thinking. The first couple of months we were unable to utter the “b” or “p” words (baby and pregnant respectively). During the fall I felt my thinking shift when my mood lifted and I started looking forward to the holidays that I had always loved (Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas) but had felt conflicted over the past few years. I bought fall-themed cookie cutters the day of our first positive beta and made a few batches of cookies. I had always wanted to make cookies in the fall but hadn’t been able to summon the energy lately.
The past few Thanksgivings and Christmases we had wondered if those would be our final ones without children, hoping desperately that the next year would be different. In 2008 we were able to say that “knock on wood,” we had every expectation of 2009 being different. I bought a tiny stocking ornament for the baby before Christmas and felt panicky afterwards but fought it and hung it anyway. Hopefully this year, that stocking will be on the tree b/c we’ll have a real stocking for it.I started looking at nursery furnishings and baby gear over the holidays. I had deliberately put it off as long as I could because I knew that I would quickly become obsessed by it and I wanted to feel more confident that this baby was going to happen. I am overwhelmed by the volume of baby items out there and am soliciting input on the essentials. Feel free to share your thoughts! We decided to put in hardwood floors in our bedrooms, including what will become the baby’s room, so J is tackling that.
I guess all this illustrates our gradual shift from “shhh…we don’t speak of it” to “maybe…” to “ok, we have preparations to make.” I am finally SO EXCITED!!!!! Everything has gone very normally so far, and happily, our quad screen results came back normal. I’m still cautious, but I’ve begun telling more people because frankly, we can’t keep it a secret forever and as a mother-to-be, I have plans to make at work.
I’m still scared to death and superstitious as hell and nervous, but I’m excited. And I’m happy. J and I can see babies now and not feel pain. I can hold them and talk avidly about schedules and routines and marvel at their sweetness. Even better I can imagine myself with one in a few months. It’s just a nice place to be. Hope is not a normal state for me, but I’m here.