Being Enough

We had our first read-through for our Listen to Your Mother show yesterday.  First of all…it is going to ROCK!  We have a wider variety of posts this year thanks to word of mouth, and the show, well, I like to think of it as a diamond with many facets (look at me getting fancy).  Sooo many perspectives of motherhood represented.  I am SO excited about it and love the ladies participating.

Anyway, yesterday a few people mentioned to me that they didn’t know how I did it, managing a full-time job, parenting and Listen to Your Mother. I gave some answer about it being my hobby.

Well, LTYM is a hobby, but the truth is that I don’t feel like a very useful co-producer.  Liisa and Marty are able to handle cast communications and getting sponsors and press. I send a few emails to potential sponsors (who never reply because these are the equivalent of cold calls), handle the web stuff and attend auditions and rehearsals, but the truth is that I feel like dead weight.  I feel like there should be an asterisk by my name as in “sort of” a producer.

And if I’m being truthful, that’s the way I feel about everything. Am I a good employee? wife? parent? My answer would be that I’m fair to middling. I don’t feel like I excel at any of it. Not in the way I’d like to anyway.

The truth is that I don’t know if I have a realistic comprehension of what competence in any of those roles would look like.  Does anyone? Maybe that’s the problem. We have way too many ideals and not enough reality. I know I would welcome a reality check right now.

How do you ever feel like you are doing enough, being enough, simply enough instead of what you think you ought to be or should be?

I’m 36 years old. Shouldn’t I have the answer to those questions by now?

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9 thoughts on “Being Enough

  1. I can speak to the wife and mother aspects. If this were your review, you would receive “Consistently Exceeds.” Your raise will appear in your April paycheck. You are also “Consistently Exceeds” in your assessment of yourself. Eeyore! :-/

  2. I think we all feel like a fraud at times (or all the time!) I sometimes think that the “ideal” is what keeps us trying instead of giving up altogether. And I don’t mean the ideal other mom, just the ideal version of ourselves. We know better, so we do better. And when we can’t, we fake it! In the words of the Irish blessing, “I wish you enough.”

  3. Aaw, how cute is Jimmy’s comment…
    There are too many variables in assessing one’s “worth”, too many standards, too many various fields where one is assessed, darn it, it is too complicated. So even though there will always be something that could do with a bit of improvement, we must do our best and be satisfied that it is enough. Otherwise we’re doomed.

  4. Oh Ki, misery loves company. I hate to say that I want any woman to feel like you describe, but I have been feeling the same way and to hear you put words to that feeling of not being quite good enough in all of the many roles…well, thank you for saying it. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
    Jimmy, you are sweet!

  5. I know I most feel like I am failing in all undertakings when I am overwhelmed, which, frankly, is most of the time. I cope by recognizing the things I am okay with not doing (no triathlons over here!) and being very selective about who I compare myself to (I’m not a SAHM at home and I’m not my workaholic colleague either). Perhaps the thirties are the time when we most feel pressure to shine in all dimensions, but in reality, most of us are just hanging on. My definition of “enough” has been reduced several times, and I think that’s okay. I suspect you, like me, are your own worst critic, and now is a good time to take others at their word that you are, indeed, at least enough.

  6. There’s a sticky on my desk that addresses this: “Fake it ’til you make it.” (There’s another that’s tangentially relevant to this: “Fortune favors the brave.”)

    Fake it ’til you make it, girl!

  7. I can relate to the feeling that I’m not competent at any of many many roles. I didn’t have it figured out at 36. I’ll let you know in 4 years if I have it figured out at 46.

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